UPDATE: ZIT HAIM DEAD OF OVERDOSE

JUNE 29, 2008

As I finished watching back-to-back episodes of A&E's The Two Corey's it struck me...Corey Feldman bugs me.  Not that Corey Haim is too endearing, but Feldman is relatively good looking, has a hot as balls wife, a pimp-ass house and a life that looks like it is relatively simple.  What an asshole.

REDMOND, WA-Reacting to the recently released Forbes List of the 20 Richest People in the World, Bill Gates announced that he has filed suit against Satan for breach of contract. The suit demands the return of Gates’ immortal soul and other unspecified monetary damages.

Richard Gere checked into Cedar Sinai hospital over the weekend to have a child's toy removed from his anus.  Reports indicate a 'Zhu Zhu Pet' being stuck up his rectum.  No stranger to the ER Gere had a similar instance a decade ago when he was treated in a nearby Los Angeles ER having 'a live gerbil' stuck up crawling in his poop-shoot. 

I'm not condoning incest, but Papa John Phillips picked the wrong daughter to rape. I'm going to take some flack for that statement and it is important to point out again:  I am not condoning incest, but wow - John Phillips really made the wrong choice in the 10-year consensual relationship with daughter MacKenzie - She is a dog!  Bijou is certainly the 'hot' one in this family of hippies.

North Phoenix resident Bob Scazinski has opted to spend his recently received $ 600 IRS stimulus check on beer, cigarettes and tennis equipment.  "I heard a shreik from outside my house...when I looked out the window I saw Bob at his mailbox howling towards the sky...there were beer cans everywhere!"

Interesting that someone has posted these questions.....Almost identical to a debate with an Ex of mine....so for all you men who dont know how to satisfy your woman...Here you go:  Foreplay is by far the most important part of sex...!!!

Oy, a rough year for ye ole reporter who has been punjabi the drame of my cousin Bernard and his unlegal ponzi scheme.  My main patron for travel has ended up 150 year einsezn.  I cannot even use the Miami beach-front condo as my schtub.  It's fercockt and a shanda fur die goy, Bernie!  On to the US Open 2009, which I am gliklikh to attend:

Results from an autopsy performed on television Pitchman Billy Mays have stoked rumors of a secret life of crime, it now being widely alleged that Mays was Capas to Los Zetas, a violent Mexican drug cartel responsible for smuggling millions of dollars in un-cut cocaine across the Arizona border concealed in pallets of Oxi Clean.

Two days before Mays death on June 28th, Mexican authorities uncovered a macabre hotel scene in Caborca; eleven dead, the only survivor a low-level goon related to rival Sinaloa cartel, his genitalia adhered to his belly with a dollop of Might Putty and a hole drilled through each of his feet, likely perpetrated by the Awesome Auger found bloodied at the scene.  Almost in a trance, he rocked back and forth repeating, "Por favor, Senor, ten piedad de Billy ... Sr. Billy, por favor dejar de gritar!"

"Chop me out a good one Mr Vice President...I like my first line to punch me in the face!"  exclaimed James Crowley, the Cambridge Police Sargent who has been at the center of a heated race debate since the arrest of Henry Louis Gates, Jr. in his own home just two weeks ago. In an adjascent white house office, President Barack Obama passes Professor Gates a smoking crack pipe as he exhales smoke that might resemble the exhaust from one of the trade-in cars from his failed Cash For Clunkers program.  "Where is that jive ass cop Mr President?" asked a tense Gates before taking his turn on the glass dick.